Some Bits of Baby Kit Are More Useful Than Others

I recently said goodbye to my sons’ highchair with a tinge of genuine sadness. Its passing marks the end of an enjoyable era during which it has been a constant dependable presence in our house. It has no decorative features, no cute furnishing and it has offered our family quiet, uncomplaining service like a reserved Edwardian butler. I probably shouldn’t be so maudlin over a plastic item bought for £12 from IKEA, but it has provided a safe haven for my children for the past four years.

In truth by the end it wasn’t a chair at all, more a high-diving platform for the Minor, scrambling out of his seat. And so it was forced into retirement. I wiped off the last of felt-tip graffiti from its back, dismembered it and stored in the loft for use by some unborn niece or nephew. I know that there’ll be other comrades that fall along the way, but not many that I cherish as much as the chair. In fact there are some bits of parenting paraphernalia that I’ll be very glad to be rid of.

Very obviously I long for the day that nappies are not required. We flirted for a while with a specially-designed nappy bin. When I say ‘flirted’ I mean we used one for a bit, we didn’t ask it if it had done something different with its hair and buy it a Crunchie. But the bin became a source of great horror to me, knowing the evil that was building up within. When it came to opening it there was always a fear that the wafting fumes would melt my face like the Nazi shits at the end of Indiana Jones. The internal mechanism creates a chain of soiled nappies, the inspiration for which may have been a sausage. A sausage is also full of crap coincidentally.

I’ve also had some run-ins with bottles over the years. There’s a make of bottle with a teat apparently formed like a lady’s nipple, to simulate the mother’s breast and put the baby at ease. Now I’ve seen a lot of nipples in my time (mainly on the internet) and I’ve never seen one shaped like this. I am irritated by this teat because it only works one way up, so when my son and I are flailing about in the pitch black of night then he can waste hours of valuable sleep-time slurping away fruitlessly.

There’s another manufactured by a company called Avent that includes an inner ring sat between the bottle and the teat. I Avent a clue what purpose this ring serves (sorry that should have come with a warning), but without it the bottle is rendered useless, except for creating a vicious milk-tsunami into my son’s face. You wouldn’t get that with an IKEA highchair.

Any good?

A Gallery of Sleep Positions with My Children

My sleep is regularly disturbed by my sons. In spite of this I am continually impressed by their ingenuity and imagination when it comes to their nightly manoeuvres. I’ve paid tribute to the inspiring variety of their positions with a series of sketches. It’s not quite a retrospective because we continue to co-sleep.

I’ve ended with the position that hasn’t actually happened yet, but it’s the position I fear the most:

The Reverse Spoon
The Reverse Spoon

The Rugby Post
The Rugby Post

The Cravat
The Cravat

The Trampoline
The Trampoline

The Landgrabber
The Landgrabber

The Cat
The Cat

The Koala
The Koala

The Conjoined Twins
The Conjoined Twins

The Superhero Cape
The Superhero Cape
And this one…

The 'Where Is He?'
The ‘Where Is He?’
Any good?