Any cave fans that find themselves in Mallorca should go directly to Porto Cristo. There are two cave complexes here, both at Cuevas del Drach and Cuevas del Hams. I presume this is just because of the natural geography of the place and not a response to an unusual demand for cave systems.
We did not know that del Hams existed until we accidentally pitched up in its suspiciously sparse car park. At that point our sat-nav threatened to walk off unless we started listening to it and we made our way to del Drach.
If you really love stalagmites and stalactites then del Drach is the ultimate destination. If they make you weirdly uncomfortable then probably steer clear because there are millions of the dangly bastards there. It is a bit like walking under a massive canopy of stony daggers. At least my sons had great fun comparing them all to gigantic bogeys.
At the base of the Drach complex is a large auditorium carved out of the rock in front of an underground river. As we filed in I was expecting some kind of rudimentary lightshow but in actual fact a solemn-looking chamber quartet came floating past in a barge. They were straining out an awful dirge and it came across like a funeral, but for someone who really liked caves. Or as if band on the Titanic managed to find a lifeboat. Needless to say it filled my little boys with the sudden urge to return above ground.
Above ground in Mallorca there are other things to do and see with small children. Such as the Zoologica Parc Natura which lies in the centre of the island. I am ambivalent about zoos. I normally find that the animals seem depressed, either mooching around or asleep. But my kids love them.
The Parc Natura is a really bad zoo. It’s poky and slummy, and everything seems to be coated in a fine film of shit. The enclosures aren’t really fit for purpose, there was a confused-looking zebra plonked in the same pen as a confused-looking ostrich for instance. The redeeming quality of the Parc Natura is that it’s a rescue centre so technically its inhabitants have been saved from an even shitter existence.
A prime example is an elderly lioness who was rescued from a circus where she’d had her claws removed and been generally brutalised. She is described as being cross-eyed and having learning difficulties. I know that she is in a slightly better home but even a minute in her company proved to be a dismal experience. We didn’t dare enter the gift shop but we later found a tick which had embedded itself in my youngest one’s arm so we did at least take away one souvenir.
The aquarium in Palma is altogether a more wholesome venue. I feel less guilty about aquariums than zoos, mainly because it’s more difficult for a fish to look sad. This one has a solid variety of tanks but an also a section resembling the Amazonian jungle and an impressive and unlikely selection of bouncy castles. It should be noted that in the blazing Balearic sun the bouncy castles become hot enough to fry an egg or a small child on.
Perhaps the most memorable trip was a spontaneous nose with my eldest around the church in Pollença. There was a service in progress when we visited so we took our seats in the most reverential way possible. My son gazed with widening eyes at the spreading stain-glass windows to his left, ornate figurines to his right and a gleaming gilded altarpiece in front of him. As I looked at him and wondered if right there he was being filled with the fear of God.
A deep and involved theological discussion followed later, during which the little boy seemed confused. Probably wondering how what God was thinking about when he created a bullied, cross-eyed lion with learning difficulties.
In case you’re wondering, Part 1 is here.